Pop Song & Lyric Hall Of Shame, pt.1

Part of my job at Columbia House is to proofread the magazines that I write copy for. Lately we've been featuring these compilations from various eras ñ Groovin' 60s, Greatest Hits Of The 70s, Awesome 80s, Best Of Singer-Songwriters, Super Soul Hits, etc. ñ and they tend to feature a lot of the same artists, and the same songs sometimes. So several times a day, I'm reminded of my candidate for the worst ever song title. It's by that most insipid of 1970s easy-listening pioneers, Bread ñ yes, as in David Gates And... The song is: Baby I'm-a Want You.

Now, I'm not one to quibble over the need for grammatical maleability when it comes to pop music lyrics or song titles. Sometimes, for the desired metre or rhythm of the lyric to be maintained, proper grammar simply has to take a back seat. It's a given. Its in the pop songwriter manifesto. (And with respect to that, thank god for the word 'ain't'. So many song lyrics just wouldn't fly if not for ain't. All hail ain't!)

But, really... Baby I'm-a Want You???

That's simply going too far. Oh, sorry... I'm-a say that's simply going too far. Even if he'd said "baby, I'm a-wantin' you"... even that is almost defensible. But it's the "I'm-a". Why hyphen the "a" to the "I'm"? That makes no sense whatsoever! Hall Of Shame for you!!

And that brings me to my Top 3 favourite examples of bad lyrics ñ and, incredibly enough, they're all from the same song! Yes, it's A Horse With No Name by America. I think whoever wrote these lyrics must have indeed been in the desert... on peyote!

First there's this shining example of lyrical brilliance:

The heat was hot and the ground was dry
But the air was full of sound

The heat was hot?? Go figure! I would-a thought the desert would have some of that cool heat we're all familiar with.

Then there's this grammatical gem:

In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain

Okay, as I stated above, I have no problem with the 'ain't', but ... but... no, I can't even speak of it. Let's just move on...

...to the real kicker, which is this piece of blazing eloquence:

On the first part of the journey I was looking at all the life
There were plants and birds and rocks and things...

*screeeeeeech*

Things? There were... "things"?
Who would-a guessed that in the desert, one might find... things! Myself, I was under the distinct impression that desert eco-zones were devoid of... things. Will someone please get the National Geographic people on the phone? I can see the next issue's cover now: "Desert Expedition Uncovers Things!"

I can't think of a more deserving candidate for the Pop Song Lyric Hall Of Shame.

Can you?